No Fountain of Youth in the Real World

July 23, 2018 – Not too long ago I ran into someone I used to baby sit. Talk about feeling old. It was a huge slap into reality when she told me she had turned 47.

For the most part I don’t mind growing older, but sometimes it takes me by surprise. Still, I would never want to relive my teenage years, or even my 20s or 30s. I wouldn’t mind staying my present age for the next 10 years or so just to catch my breath. Too bad it’s only cartoon characters that get that privilege.

What if our favorite cartoon characters did age? How would that look?

• As the only female in the Smurf Village, Smurfette first appeared on the scene in 1966. Like all the other Smurfs, she was one hundred years old back then, so maybe she’s not the best example. But if she aged she’d be 152 today. Have to admit she looks mighty fine for an old broad.

• The world met Popeye the Sailor Man in 1938 when he was 34 years old. Popeye would have been collecting social security for years now had he aged, and would be a feisty 114. Something tells me he would have been content with that. After all, he was fond of saying, “I ams what I ams.”

• A teenaged Archie and his pals burst onto the scene when he was 17 in 1941. Today, Archie would be 94, and probably telling boring stories to his grandchildren about how he had to walk up hill both ways in the snow to school everyday.

• Since the Stone Age lacked accurate records, we have to estimate that Fred Flintstone was about 30 in 1960. At 89 today, he probably suffers from a similar fate like Archie, and exhausts his grandchildren with stories of his days working in the quarry.

• Loveable loser Charlie Brown was first introduced in comic strips in 1950 when he was 10 years old. Today, Brown would be 78 and probably practicing psychiatry, a profession he chose so he could deal with his depression. Hopefully, he found some happiness outside of learning the true meaning of Christmas and married that little redheaded girl.

• In 1969, when Shaggy and the rest of the Scooby Doo gang were busy solving mysteries, he was a mere teenager of 17. That would make him 66 today. Most likely he still spends a lot of time in the back of that smoke-filled Mystery Machine van munching on some of those Scooby snacks.

• The most misunderstood of the Simpson clan, Bart Simpson, would be 41 today, and yet remains at the perpetual age of 10. Simpson has a good heart even though he is a rabble-rouser, so he probably did his fair share of community service around Springfield for the trouble he caused. Most likely he became the school janitor when Groundskeeper Willie retired.

Eric Cartman was born in 1989, which would make him 29 today. Cartman probably still lives in South Park (if he’s not in jail), and most definitely spent some time in juvy during his teenage years. Chances are great that Cartman still lives at home where he waits for his mother to serve him another round of cheesy poufs and chicken potpie.

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